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MY STORY SO FAR


[originally written in 2000, italics are by me now]


For me, the journey into cross-dressing started before I was born. Both my parents were convinced that I was going to be a girl (they wanted a girl and the doctor said I was probably a girl! [this I recently found out not to be true - apparently the doc thought I was going to be a boy, judging by the shape of my mother's tummy etc, but... HE DIDN'T TELL MY PARENTS...!]), so much so that they'd already chosen a female name for me... yes, you guessed it: Sarah (or Sara, I'm not sure on this point). When I came to the world they had to ditch that name and think of another, more appropriate one! My personal non-scientific theory is that being spoken to and treated as a girl whilst inside the womb made me into what I am to this day. I enjoy transforming myself into a girl because I get pleasant feelings that subconciously remind me of those perfect months in my mother's belly. Think about it: in the 9 months you're in there, you're kept warm and cozy, when you're hungry you eat, you're protected, you have no worry in the world, everything that comes from outside is previously subdued and filtered! That's why it's only logical for me to think about this being the main reason for my "hobby"...[I don't know if it's a hobby anymore...] So in the end I was born a boy. But I was very feminine and was constantly mistaken to be a girl by people when I was a kid. This happened quite frequently until I was 13! It got on my nerves a bit but at the same time it made me feel strange...I remember once my mother had bought a dress for my cousin, she's about my age and she had to send it to her as a birthday present, so she asked me if I could try it on... Of course I said "no!" but in the end she convinced me, and it felt strange, I liked it but was embarassed at the same time (my first and only experience of "forced feminization"!?! No need to force me now...). This episode happened when I was about 6 I guess, I don't really remember. I didn't really understand my feelings about cross-dressing when I was small. Then at 10 I had my moment of enlightenment, my "epiphany" if you will, when I understood that I wanted to dress like a girl! It happened like this: I was in the doctor's waiting room leafing through some mainstream magazines, and then I saw these drawings in one of them, of beautiful girls dressed in sexy black stockings, high heels, long black gloves, etc. [these were fetish-bondage drawings...] Somehow something clicked inside me and I knew, at that moment, that what I wanted to do was look like them! But it took me a few months to start trying on my mother's clothes after that. (Incidentally, this happened while I was living in the UK... it must be the air there!) Unfortunately, she had boring clothes back then (she's gotten more sexy with age!)... I started trying on some of her clothes, first thing was tights/pantyhose, and then I tried putting make-up on as well 3 or 4 times but got so scared once when I couldn't get the mascara off that I didn't use make-up for years after that. I must have been about 12 when I stopped trying the make-up. At 17 I started getting some stuff for myself, but not a lot, and at 18 we were moving house so I decided that I would throw away the few things I had (a pair of shoes, a couple of horrible wigs, etc) and never wear female clothing again... This vow lasted for more than a year. But then again during this time I was thinking about it and fantasizing about wearing female clothing practically every day! So one day I decided to do it again... It was a gradual thing. One of the things that finally triggered it off again was my mother purchasing a pretty grey skirt with pleats, quite short (for her)... I just had to try it on with dark black tights under it! At this point I hadn't worn make-up for years, after the mascara scare. So at first I just started trying on my mother's clothes again, which were now slightly sexier. After a few months of this, I wanted to see my whole self as a female so I thought I'd try wearing a female mask. I bought one, but realised I didn't like that much. So I thought I'd try with make-up again... and was positively shocked by the results!!! That's when I started taking pics as well, with a Polaroid because I couldn't face going to have the photos printed. I soon became proficient with it, learning how to over-expose the image with a mirror, etc, and got some fair results. I started slowly buying clothes and accessories and haven't had any more 'purges', sometimes I've gone months without dressing but never chucked out anything [of course I've chucked out things, what I meant is I've never chucked out EVERYTHING - i.e. had a complete purge...]. Slowly I got the chance to wear what I had always fantasized about... stockings, garter belt, lingerie, long black gloves, etc etc. My mum never had anything like that! And then accessories, wigs, shoes...
No-one knew about Sarah and I was very much in the closet. I kept cross-dressing in private and that was that. Things started slowly changing though. I decided to try and get to know more about my hobby. I got hold of american and english CD magazines and read them with interest. I also started wishing I had an internet connection, I didn't even have a proper computer at the time though. Then one summer my brother and his girlfriend at the time were staying at my house and somehow she opened a box she shouldn't have opened and discovered my little secret... I was completely shocked, but she was OK about it, so one day we did a session where she did my make-up and lent me a lot of her sexy clothes. Then she went away and that was that. Then I finally got an internet connection. I surfed the TV websites for months without interacting in any way. Then I decided to start writing to other T-girls like me. I decided to tell my girlfriend at the time about Sarah but she wasn't supportive at all and so my experience of telling a girlfriend wasn't a positive one. Around that time my brother discovered it as well using my computer, he saw the websites I'd been surfing and so I decided to tell him the truth. Then I bought a (cheap) scanner and posted a pic on a couple of sites, started getting some feedback. Shockingly enough for me at the time, from men... I found this funny and since it was a new thing for me, I answered some of the nicer mails, but I am heterosexual [yeah, right... make that 'bisexual']. Then I decided to take some new photos, I bought a proper camera, a cheap automatic one, and started taking more pics (I had grown frustrated with the Polaroid, the films are too pricey and also it was uncomfortable, etc... I was taking less and less pics)... I wanted to build a website but had no idea of how to do that. I had been using a computer only for a few months! At first a T-girl I met on the web offered to build it for me. But then she didn't have the time and so I decided to do it all by myself. Using a software that didn't imply any knowledge of HTML I worked at it for a bit and uploaded my first attempt at a website in October 1999.
I started getting more and more e-mails from all sorts of people. In december I decided I'd try and meet other heterosexual cross-dressers I trusted, having been in contact with them for months. We met up for the purpose of dressing up together and taking photos. And then in February 2000 I went out for the first time... It was an interesting experience that I repeated in March, but had less fun the second time. I haven't been out since but I will go out again eventually... when I find a place that I like! Or maybe in a normal environment? [obviously I have done all this now]
That's about it for now. As you can see the last months have been quite eventful for me!
I will write more when something interesting happens... [a lot of interesting things have happened]

Some stats: Height: 177 cm (5'10"?)
Weight: 61 kg (132 lbs?)
Hair colour: dark brown
Eye colour: brown-green
Dress size: 42 (italian sizes)
Shoe size: 42, but I squeeze into a 40! (italian sizes)



Sorry about the simple graphical nature of this page! I haven't got time to work on my site and people wanted a bio, so...